Working on my ableism.

Yesterday, I found out I have ADHD. It explains a lot and having a diagnosis will be some help as far as accommodations go. Knowledge is power and the more I know, the better I can help myself, but that wasn’t my first reaction.

My first reaction was that this can’t happen to me. To think that I’d always been a bit twitchy and had a short attention span, but I certainly didn’t have ADHD. I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t twitchy and hyper, with no control over myself.*

I rejected it out of hand, becuase I couldn’t be like those people, the stereotype of people with ADHD and ADD. I’ve been trying to work on my internalized ableism, but this time I failed. I failed as an advocate, even if only in my head. It just reaffirms that I have a long way to go.

On another note, having another diagnosis is starting to make my life feel a bit unreal. That makes 5 different things affecting my mind, my work, my life. I’m worried I’ll be taken as one of those Munchhausen’s by internet people. I just write about my life and this is it.

*Trust me, I know that’s an offensive stereotype and I am not saying it is valid.

My Fat.

I used to be skinny.

That was before the hardcore medication and the early puberty. I had breasts in 3rd grade and got my first period in in 5th grade. I was 9.  I didn’t want this. Things were easier when I was skinny and cute. I quit dance class, becuase you can’t be fat and be a dancer. I felt so out of place.

We got the internet when I was 10 and I found my escape there. I did a lot of forum based roleplaying and found fanfiction. My first fandom was Buffy. It was a good thing for me, although I didn’t get out much. I still read a lot, mostly from the adult portion of the library. I converted to Wicca, although now I’m mostly my own little blend of Paganism.

At least on the internet, no one judged how I looked, fat, oily and pimple covered.

Not having the internet was one of the worst parts of going to the psych ward. I had only books, which I had to ask for before I could read. Considering what happened there, I needed as much of an escape as I could get.

Puberty made the insanity worse. I was more anxious than ever, worrying about things that happened in first grade. Actaully, I still do that. My social anxiety got worse, although I still had friends, so things weren’t so bad. I spent a whole summer not leaving the house, becuase the outside was too much. I got fatter and couldn’t lose it.

The fat was at least protection from leering, looks that I didn’t understand.

I’m still fat, technically, I’m part of the obesity epidemic. People get upset when I say that. I guess it’s becuase I’m not their image of what obese is. I’m okay with being fat. My curves and hollows play with light in an interesting way.

I’ll probably never be able to lose the amount of weight that would make me acceptable, I’ve hovered around the same weight for years. I don’t foresee that changing and it feels good to make peace with it.

For the first time in my life, I am happy with my body.