You know you a monster when almost all the depictions of your condition in the media show you as either a joke or a jerkass. It gets to you. You begin to wonder if those you call your friends see you the same way. Are they keeping you around for the crazy antics? Do they like the real you, who ever that may be?
Bad bairn tells you what to what it wants, and you must, because what the monsters want is what they get. Besides, you are a god and who cares who you hurt, there is only the here and now, the touch and sound and light and you, you are infinite. You are the light and the sound and gravity and colors and it is you. There is nothing outside of you because all is you. But…
The sadness comes and it’s fast and hard and you can’t run from it because it’s inside of you. It’s in your veins and skin and brain. Maybe you try to cut it out of you, but you can’t. You are the monster in your nightmares. You are the monster in the paper because you are the same.
You are a psycho, a crazy, a freak. Would it be so bad if you were dead? You know, know it in you blood and bones that when people look at you, they can see the monster. You you build walls and wear masks and as long as you can hide in plain sight, you are safe, and safety is all you can ask for.
Eventually, playing the game gets hard, always wondering if they can see it, if they notice what lurks beneath. You can’t get close to anyone, because you know they’ll see it. You haven’t gazed into the abyss, you are it. Everything you touch crumbles.
And you are alone and you must be because you have to keep them safe. Maybe then, you won’t be damned. It’s so cold when you are alone, you you decide to just not feel. Feelings are a liability.
Maybe after a few months, things return to normal, whatever that is. You have some friends, maybe you laugh and smile, but you never, absolutely never let them get too close, because monsters always come back.
This is how I live my life. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, if I’ve ever felt it. I’m not sure on that front. To paraphrase, “From within you, it devours.” I know what happens and so I stumble, trying to preform that balancing act, try to be human.