What It Is To Be A Monster

You know you a monster when almost all the depictions of your condition in the media show you as either a joke or a jerkass. It gets to you. You begin to wonder if those you call your friends see you the same way. Are they keeping you around for the crazy antics? Do they like the real you, who ever that may be?

Bad bairn tells you what to what it wants, and you must, because what the monsters want is what they get. Besides, you are a god and who cares who you hurt, there is only the here and now, the touch and sound and light and you, you are infinite. You are the light and the sound and gravity and colors and it is you. There is nothing outside of you because all is you. But…

The sadness comes and it’s fast and hard and you can’t run from it because it’s inside of you. It’s in your veins and skin and brain. Maybe you try to cut it out of you, but you can’t. You are the monster in your nightmares. You are the monster in the paper because you are the same.

You are a psycho, a crazy, a freak. Would it be so bad if you were dead? You know, know it in you blood and bones that when people look at you, they can see the monster. You you build walls and wear masks and as long as you can hide in plain sight, you are safe, and safety is all you can ask for.

Eventually, playing the game gets hard, always wondering if they can see it, if they notice what lurks beneath. You can’t get close to anyone, because you know they’ll see it. You haven’t gazed into the abyss, you are it. Everything you touch crumbles.

And you are alone and you must be because you have to keep them safe. Maybe then, you won’t be damned. It’s so cold when you are alone, you you decide to just not feel. Feelings are a liability.

Maybe after a few months, things return to normal, whatever that is. You have some friends, maybe you laugh and smile, but you never, absolutely never let them get too close, because monsters always come back.

This is how I live my life. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, if I’ve ever felt it. I’m not sure on that front. To paraphrase, “From within you, it devours.” I know what happens and so I stumble, trying to preform that balancing act, try to be human.

 

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2 thoughts on “What It Is To Be A Monster

  1. btstormb2006 says:

    Age 25 for me was the best /worst year of my life. My world changed drastically from being the fun, party girl everyone wanted to be around to feeling alone. I physically ached from the sense of lonliness and pain I felt. I sheltered myself within my apt, refused to answer the phone, lied to friends about what I was doing, and barely could make it to the grocery store without feeling paralytic panic attacks.

    I got scared and angry enough about these panic attacks and suicidal feelings to get help.

    I am not saying we have everything in common except, I understand feeling powerless. I understand wanting just to be normal. I have prayed many times I wished I wasnt smart enough to understand that I wasnt normal. There are times, I would trade my intelligence for a few moments of peace.

    18 years later and I still have moments when I feel sadness, wondering if I am the only one who feels the depth of this emotion to the degree that I do. Some days I feel like I wear a social mask, pretending that I am interested in what the world around me is doing, but in reality, I dont. And then…there are those other days…when just the warmth of the sunlight reminds me I am alive or a stranger smiles at me to let me know I am noticed…..or the days I dont possess the energy to be the leader of optimism or motivation and I am allowed a day or more of quietness to recharge.

  2. mandragora says:

    This is a beautifully written post. I have felt similar feelings like these for the past two years, with brief periods of relief. You are definitely not alone in the world, something that I am just letting sink in myself. Maybe we can make it fun to be monsters.

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