What’s wrong with me?

Having disabling mental illness is interesting. Insanity is brilliant at times. Feeling like you own the world feels pretty damn good, but makes it hard to function. However, what really makes it hard is the anxiety, the gloom and anger.

I wish I was a rich eccentric and that I had fine house and servants. I could be free  in my madness. Nothing that I disliked would be in my house. I would have so many pets and I would not be alone. There would be none of those god awful lights so many stores have in them and no loud noises beyond music when I wished it.

Sadly, I’m stuck in the real world, with all of its lights and colors and noises and crowds. So many things I can’t escape. I have no choice but to live in the city, because the very thought of driving leaves me weak with fear and worry. Oh, but the crowds, they can’t be escaped and they press in on you, smothering you. People are… They are so fucking loud and pushy. Putting on a mask takes all I have. Pretend to be normal so they don’t see the animal I am. Can’t break down and yell at them to make it stop, that simply wouldn’t do. I’d be locked away again.

So, I smile and take my pills and pretend to be human, to be one of them. Some of them, the ones with a touch of madness, they seem to understand. Their friendship is a blessing, an anchor. Prehaps, one day, I’ll find someone touched with insanity as well. They won’t shy away and we’ll burn and melt together.

But, as you can see, these are all just the ravings and dreams of a complete lunatic. Prehaps now that you’ve had a glimpse, you’ll shy away as well. That’s for the best, because I tend to drag others down and I know that once you see what I am, you’ll never treat me quite the same again.

4 thoughts on “What’s wrong with me?

  1. mandragora says:


    I would never treat you differently… I’ve scared away countless people with my insane side. It never is your fault, and you shouldn’t ever feel guilty for feeling bad.

  2. sanabituranima says:

    *hugs* I hope things turn ok for you.

  3. flakylayers says:

    Crowds are horrid. People are often horrid. The older I get the more energy it takes for me to keep biting my tongue when I’m out and not start screaming at everyone to settle down and act right or, failing that, just shut up and back off. And I live in a pretty small town. I don’t know if I’d make it in a city.

    Your dream house sounds like heaven!

    Just wanted to say that I enjoy your comments at another blog and that’s what led me over here. Every time I see your handle in threads, I’m like, “Oh, excellent,” because I know then a missing and crucial piece of the conversation is about to get added. You write beautifully. I hope you don’t stop, and I hope someday you get that house.

    • thetroubleis says:

      Oh, thank you. I’m not in the city anymore, although I’d actaully like to go back, becuase the benefits outweigh the downsides for me. Once I figured out the good times of day to go out, things were mostly okay. Still, people bother me. A lot.

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